Most of you probably already know this, but I felt for those of you who shop almost exclusively online, I would refresh your memory with the ghost of Holiday Shopping Past.

I only went to pick up a couple of items. Honest. I left to pick them up at 12 noon. It is now past 5pm.

Why did it take so long for a few items, bought at a single store that is only 15 minutes from my house? Traffic. But not your average everyday traffic. Oh no. This is Holiday Shopping traffic. Everyone wants in the right turn lane. By some miracle I am in that lane naturally. Now–I am happy to let folks over. But some people are just damn pushy! They needed the entire lane. I had three cars in front of me, then seven, then nine…and on and on. Will I never get my chance to turn? Yikes? After no less than twelve cars zip in front of me, it is finally my turn to…well, turn. :)

I see the store where I plan to shop and need to curve around and make a left, but will anyone let me in now that I have to get over? Hell no. So I sit with my light blinking and hope some kind soul will let me through. In the meanwhile, the SUV behind me is impatient and starts honking. And not some little beep-beep can you move cause I need to go kind of honk. Ah no. It’s more like move your ass or I will push it out of the way for you, can’t you see I am more important than you are, and my need to get where I am going is much more desperate.

But I can’t get over since no one will let me in. Grrr… I am slowly losing my own patience. The SUV suddenly whips around me and nearly hits two other cars, but by God, he got to m-o-v-e! Well congratulations, creep.

Once in front of the store, I start looking for a parking space. Ooh–I see one opening. Only three spaces from the very front. Perfect. I put on my blinker and I see the guy from the SUV start to turn, coming in from the other side. Soon as the man in the car leave, I start to pull forward, but I’m too late. The SUV guy whips in and gets the spot.

I am trying very hard to not say a word, not be nasty. This is the holiday season after all. Grrrr…

Some ten minutes later I manage to find another space and I pull in. I pass by the SUV and a naughty little though passes through my mind–no–I will behave, I will rise above the wicked impulse…barely.

So I get inside and after much jostling and hair-pulling, get the items I need, and then get in line to pay. The line wraps around an aisle and a display of giant teddy bears. I cannot even see the cashier from my vantage point. The shoppers shuffle in line advancing like zombies. I keep getting this weird feeling that any moment, they will turn en masse and start craving fresh brains.

When my turn comes to pay, I have everything ready so that I can get out of there before they realize I am not one of them. I lay my items down on the black rubber belt along with my coupon and have my wallet in hand. The girl barely glances at me as she sweeps the items across the scanner. Her eyes are half-closed, her forehead and cheeks pale and clammy. She picks up the coupon. It flutters from her hand and is immediately swallowed by the metal teeth of the rubber conveyor belt. She apologizes. But no discount for me.

I ask her if I can get some kind of raincheck due to the loss of the coupon– I hear the zombies behind me start to moan. Oh crap! No, no raincheck. That’s okay. I need my brains right where they are. In my head.

I dart from the store, purchases in hand and dodge the endless, circling vehicles, vultures on the lookout for prey. I pull out and have no less than three cars vying for my spot.

Finally home, I toss my shopping bag on the guest bed and realize that somehow the girl didn’t put all the items in the bag. Something is missing. No, I am not going back out there for anything. Then I realize which item is gone. Hell. Crap. Damn, damn, damn!

I am breathing fire. Smoke flares from my nostrils and my hands shake before slowly forming into claws. I will maintain. I will. I’ll…and then I let out a piercing scream full of primal rage.

I stomp out to the car and start to get in and a plastic bag slides from the floorboard and hits my shoes. The bag. Oh thank you, thank you!

And I could almost swear I heard a deep voice, say in a soft whisper…”You’re welcome.”

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 23rd, 2007 at 11:06 pm and is filed under Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.